May your choices reflect your hope not your fears"
The first time I saw this quote was around the beginning of the year. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. It's not a secret that I struggle with the idea of having a second child. It's also not a secret that my husband wants another little one like last year. Bodie will be 2 this summer and this is a discussion that we go back and forth on or just table every few months. My mind and my heart constantly waiver.
Bodie has been such an easy and mellow little muffin from the start. Yes of course those first few months were filled with tears , both his and mine, sleep deprivation and the constant worry of "Am I doing this right.'' Fast forward and he still loves his morning snuggles with his milk in my lap while I sip my coffee. He sleeps most nights a full 10 plus hours and takes his nap as scheduled every afternoon. He is silly and loving, independent and stubborn with a short fuse. He has been a great traveler from day one, be it the car or on a plane. Let him run free and he is as content as can be. He is all boy and I love him to bits. If I knew round two could be just as dreamy I would get right to business.
But fear stops me in my tracks. Overwhelming break my heart kind of fear. Fear that leaves me crying to my husband. If we do have a second baby and I remain so unsure will I resent him?Will he resent me if we I can't get on the baby train? We both say no. We talk openly about the issues that weigh on my heart.
I worry. I know we all worry. If we weren't worrying we wouldn't be good parents. I am scared of the morning sickness that left me 20lbs lighter while still growing our little muffin, and continued through to my third trimester. I have great fear of the return of the debilitating sciatica pain, that had me sitting to shower and in need of help getting in or out of the car and even dressed some days. Not to mention the gestational diabetes that had me in the doctors office at least twice a week the last months of pregnancy. HIGH RISK that's what this all comes down to. A high risk pregnancy that ensures I go in to a second at a higher risk from the start add in the age factor and bam! High risk across the board. I don't know about you but those words feel scary.
Then I feel hope. Some days I watch Bodie play and I think what a good big brother he would make. Or I see how much he loves his cousins especially the baby of the bunch. I am hopeful that the right time will come and we will know the path. Our hearts will lead us. & this quote was the beginning of the acceptance that I cant let fear dictate our future.
I know that God has a hand in things and I am a firm believer in listening to the signs he gives us. & this little gem was just that. Literally. This little wood block sign is currently en route to my house and I know just the spot for it. A daily reminder to choose hope over fear.
xo
